A "racist" tells his story, in a view from the left

To the reader:
I am publishing without editing or comment this piece that I received anonymously, without endorsing the writer’s opinion, but believing that it argues a point of view that, while disturbing, is one people should find interesting, for what the writer recounts and argues.
-William Heidbreder, Site editor

”In 1982 I was briefly jailed for being homeless. There I was almost gang raped. The big Black man on the bunk beneath me ordered me angrily to go wash my feet because they were dirty and smelly, which is probably true. I was young and naive, and this is like the famous dropping of the soap bar in the shower, and I should know that jails and prisons are like this, and it was not his fault, least of all because he was black, because no one who is "oppressed" as they are is really responsible for their actions. 

But I did not and do not think that. I think it had a racial component. I think it was a black racist hate crime. I hated him and all those who looked or spoke or acted at all like him, and part of the reason for this hatred was absolutely the fact that he was Black.

I have a word for people like him: Black Nazi Thug.

I guess this makes me sound a bit racist, doesn't it? It does, and I don't think I will very soon learn or discover any effective way of dealing with this.

In subsequent years, I encountered many Black Thugs, many of them haters whom I would therefore call Nazis, and I have to say that my encounters with middle class and employed Black Americans have in general not been much happier. In an impersonal way, I know that their people are oppressed, and I am sorry about that, for while it is not my fault, I wish it were not so.

Many of them of course do think it is my fault. Their leaders and parents teach them that. They talk constantly about "White people." They don't like us. They think all of us are responsible for all of their problems. Among liberals, this is the hate whose name dare not be spoken. For of course, most racism in American is "reverse" or Black racism. Anyone can see this.

I am sensitive to hate expressed by you people, because so many of them are violent. It is not "racist" to say this, and not like it; it is true to say this, and right to not like it. In fact, it would only be contemptuous if we treated you, as white liberals do, as if you are not to be held responsible for what you do or do not do, which would make you not a moral subject; it would make you morally a slave, one no longer enslaved in an economy but with a slave morality or mentality.

It doesn't help me any that so many of those of you who are middle class or employed, whether or not they are security guards or other enforcers, are ethical conservatives with extreme authoritarian personalities. Yes, I know, the causes of this include your religion (evangelical Protestant Christianity for most of you, he explicit Nazi anti-Semitism and racism of the Nation of Islam for some); and the fact that in America having only a high school education means having learned only to adopt the norms of "the society" and obey authorities; and the fact that most of you if you have jobs have lousy ones; and the fact that American culture is right-wing even when it doesn't seem to be; and finally, that the hatred you have learned is of course part of the authoritarian personality disposition. This and other explanations exist.

I'm sorry I don't like you so much. I can learn to like people who look, act, and talk like people who have hated me and done me a great deal of violence and wrong. But if it were easy, I would be some kind of liberal, and then you would know that I am a hypocritical liar.

Since I am against every kind of oppression, why is it you really aren't? You only are when it's about you. The rest of the time you are for every kind of obedience and domination.

Remember, with enemies you should merely strategize; it is your friends you criticize.”