Asking what your country can do to you

I believe that if I am ever (directly and explicitly) tortured, it will be by (agents of) my own government (the United States). And the persons doing the torturing will be either female or black. They will think they can fuck with my head most effectively that way, and also that they can use it against me more easily and completely, because they will try to make it look like I am a racist or sexist, and expect that liberals and left-liberals will mostly buy it, and they will be right. I also believe that they would have a female cop or soldier torture me sexually. This is not a desirous fantasy (no one actually wants to be tortured), but a reflection of some of my experiences, and my observations of what the American state and the mass of willing executioners among its people are like and likely to do.

The only meaning that their race or gender will have is the meaning that they try to give it. This will be designed in order to have the maximum damaging, threatening, or disabling effect upon me. And to prevent an effective response after the fact.

With a more naive person, the purpose would be partly to confuse them, or win their trust by appealing to stereotypical notions of social oppression. Which of course would be completely false and ideological in the context. They know that, of course, but don't want ordinary Americans to.

Of course, if you are confronted by a cop or other official, you should assume that they could very well be lying to you. Trying to get your willing trust of them could of course be part of the methodology of the torture. Obviously, the same power relationships are involved even where there is no attempt to do harm.

There is no social movement in America today that envisions or considers trying to stop these things from happening. Under Democratic administrations, the pretense that it cannot be happening is likely to be even stronger. I was harassed by (obvious) undercover police during the Obama administration. It's a regular part of the NYPD playbook. I suspect they will do it again.

The main undercover officer was black. He made subtle threats to kill me, like speaking of "elimination," in ways that he knew would be deniable.

Don't you love this country and its government? I don't. How can you love a government that threatens to kill you? Is this like marital rape victims who cannot bring themselves to stop loving their spouse, because they are dependent on him? One should break such a dependence as fully as possible.

I chose to fight the power as a writer. I have no way of being sure of my safety while I do so. So I don't know how long I will be able to. I know what I am up against, it's pretty formidable. People like me have the power of thinking and writing, it's a weak power compared to the massive killing machine they are able to mobilize against us. That's how it is. A government that is at war against many of its own citizens and indeed many of the people of the world, whom they conduct surveillance of, that is what we are faced with. There is not a danger of fascism in America, we have it already. We have a duty to God and ourselves and each other to do what we can to combat it.

To this struggle, the competition between the 'liberal' Democrats and the Republicans (who seem to have fallen off their own wing-nut, and are completely cynical and openly dishonest), is actually in some ways inconsequential. I don't mean that there is no difference, for there is a large one and I still vote, and I voted for Biden against Trump. But the difference between the parties and factions in this country is not likely to have any consequence for the likelihood of little people like me with only the power of the pen to be harassed, tortured, killed, or worse by them. They will employ a psychological judgment of me, and it will work, because most people believe that. Politics has been replaced by mental health care, which means politics is abolished. The person who is angry about being violated is merely sick.

I think if they wanted to fuck with me (that is, again treat me as a targeted individual), they would first try to torture me psychologically, or just fuck with my head somehow. If they saw that that was failing and they could not manipulate me in whatever way they wanted, then they would arrange to have me discarded, by declaring me mentally ill (obviously, that would be easily done - this very essay could count as evidence of ‘paranoia’, and claims that someone is psychotic are made easily and often by the American doctors who are power suckers of our fascist state, enjoying the power they wield, and certainly believing in it - the Hippocratic Oath with its injunction to “first do no harm” is rarely followed), which they would do once they had no other use for me.